It has been a month today since I said good bye to my Dad. I am not sure i can put into words how I feel a month down this new rocky path. I guess I thought when our journey forked and Dad's dead ended I would be relived, and I am , but I thought it would make all of this easier and that it didn't. Most of the time I am okay, but this last week, I think with the house so quiet now that the girls are in school it has been very hard, lots of time to think about how much I miss him, how real it is that he is gone.
The other day I decided to take a break from editing and went and stood on my front porch, my eyes where filled with tears long before I hit the front door, but I knew what I was going to do, in the silence of a mid afternoon breeze I whispered I love you and fell to my knees, there on that old wooden deck I sobbed for at least 20 minutes and when I was all cried out and the sobs racked my body no more, I lifted my head and in the gentle breeze heard the call of a lone hawk, though faint, it hit me clear as a bell...I don't know why, or how I knew but it was my Dad, telling me I was okay, okay to lift myself and raise my head, to not be down but rather to look ahead and have hope, and faith and to soar on these wings he gave me so long ago....it brought a smile to my face a sort of calm came over me...and I knew even though it hurts every single day, My Dad was a fighter, he never gave up, he never stopped trying and he never let go of LIFE and neither shall I now no matter how hard it hurts.
I don't know if there will ever come a day when it doesn't hurt this bad, or if I will ever feel like life is normal, but in that moment I knew my dad was a live and all around me and God was right beside me and their presence will never leave me on this rocky road ahead alone, one will catch me when I trip, the other will steady me and guide my path and I know they BOTH will Love me unconditionally forever...How LUCKY am I to have two Fathers in Heaven to love and watch over me.
...even now the tears are hard to suppress, but I have begun to turn back to the Lord and I know that each day will heal my heart, I will never forget, but with time maybe it won't feel like I am falling into a huge gapping hole in my heart. I miss you Daddy, I miss you so much, there are not words to express how much I hurt with your absence here on earth...I will always be here fighting tell my last breath, I love you....by the way Happy Birthday tomorrow...~Jennifer
The other day I decided to take a break from editing and went and stood on my front porch, my eyes where filled with tears long before I hit the front door, but I knew what I was going to do, in the silence of a mid afternoon breeze I whispered I love you and fell to my knees, there on that old wooden deck I sobbed for at least 20 minutes and when I was all cried out and the sobs racked my body no more, I lifted my head and in the gentle breeze heard the call of a lone hawk, though faint, it hit me clear as a bell...I don't know why, or how I knew but it was my Dad, telling me I was okay, okay to lift myself and raise my head, to not be down but rather to look ahead and have hope, and faith and to soar on these wings he gave me so long ago....it brought a smile to my face a sort of calm came over me...and I knew even though it hurts every single day, My Dad was a fighter, he never gave up, he never stopped trying and he never let go of LIFE and neither shall I now no matter how hard it hurts.
I don't know if there will ever come a day when it doesn't hurt this bad, or if I will ever feel like life is normal, but in that moment I knew my dad was a live and all around me and God was right beside me and their presence will never leave me on this rocky road ahead alone, one will catch me when I trip, the other will steady me and guide my path and I know they BOTH will Love me unconditionally forever...How LUCKY am I to have two Fathers in Heaven to love and watch over me.
...even now the tears are hard to suppress, but I have begun to turn back to the Lord and I know that each day will heal my heart, I will never forget, but with time maybe it won't feel like I am falling into a huge gapping hole in my heart. I miss you Daddy, I miss you so much, there are not words to express how much I hurt with your absence here on earth...I will always be here fighting tell my last breath, I love you....by the way Happy Birthday tomorrow...~Jennifer
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